Added: 21 June 2000
[Fiction]

Extracts from Mrs. Poppycock's Diary


Tuesday April 1st
I caught the half-past to Blythington and got off at Plumpton. Our Regina came with me and we had a really nice day. She says mam, I've really enjoyed myself. I says have you, cock? She says yes. I says that's nice then. Well, she got some wallpaper for her dining room. And it wasn't cheap, no! It was the best. Alaclypta! She says do you like it mam? I says yes hen. Only, she says, I've got our Juniper's tap dancing to pay for this Friday. I says never mind sweetheart, if that's what you want you can have it. She got two lots 'cause she wanted it to look different between the dodi rails. And her in there, she says you'll need seven rolls for the top and five rolls for the bottom. I says to our Regina, she's an arsehole, you'll never need ten rolls of paper for that room. She says no mam, you're right. I says I know I am. We had some of them cream cakes with carrots in, they're nice they are. They were a pound a slice but I says that's not bad, two twenty, and they were big slices. There was a sale on at Askhams but we didn't buy anything there. You could tell it was all winter stuff. I saw them same jumpers and skirts when I was in last month. I says to our Regina, you don't want to be buying them, chuck, not with the summer coming. She says no mam, you're right. I says I know I am, cock.

Saturday April 5th
I called over to old Mrs Sweaton's today, her as was our neighbour in Boghouses. She was the first neighbour I ever had. I took her some chip butties from Codswallop's chippy and she says Poppy, them's the best chip butties I've had since I was last in Codswallop's chippy, I really enjoyed them. I says did you love? She says yes I did. I says well that's nice then. I wished I'd had some of that cream cake with carrots in, she would've really enjoyed that. She says her Albee's moved back in with her. He only moved out a fortnight ago, or it might've been two week. Anyway, it didn't work out with his Maureen: she's gone back with her mam and he's back with his. She told him mind, she says Albee Sweaton you and her's been courting for nineteen years, if you're not ready for marriage yet, you never will be. I says yes, being honest you're right Mrs Sweaton, you're right. She says I know I am. Our Regina 'phoned. She says her Wally's dole cheque hasn't come through again. I says they're arseholes down at that DHL. She says you're right mam. I says I'll come for you in the morning and take you shopping. She says oh will you mam? I says yes cock, I will.

Friday April 11th
I went to the Lyceum this afternoon. Well, it's only fifty pence a card and I only had five games at four cards a game, so that's less than ten pound. Not bad for a whole afternoon out. And I won. I shouted for the top line on the first game, the bottom line on the third game, and I got house on the sixth game. I really enjoyed myself. I took our Regina with me, she says mam, I did enjoy myself. I says did you hen? Well that's nice. We had a chip butty while we waited for the bus and, mind, I did get bad tempered. He says to me, I don't want all that copper for the fare, it'll have to be silver or you can walk. I says my money's as good as any bugger else's. He says I'm telling you cock -- and I hate that -- silver or walk. So we bought another chip butty and caught the next bus home. I says to our Regina, he's an arsehole. She says you're right mam. I says yes I know I am cock.

 

Sunday April 20th
Our Regina came for dinner with our Wally and our Juniper. I took one look at our Wally and I says what's t'matter with you? He says oh, mam, I've sent off fifty-two applications this week and I haven't half got a sore hand. And, mind, he had. Well, I says that's bleeding good that is, when you do get a job you'll have to go on the sick with that hand, fancy making you write all them publications. They're a bunch of bleeding arseholes they are. He says you're right mam, you're right. I says I know I am chuck. I says to our Regina, I tried to 'phone you in the week. She says did you mam? I says yes. And every time I dialed she kept telling me I had the wrong number. Three times she said it, oh! I did get bad tempered. I says excuse me but are you trying to tell me that I don't know my own daughter's 'phone number? Our Regina says that would be Telekom mam, they've put a seven in front of all our numbers making them six numbers instead of five. Oh! I says. Well, why couldn't she just bleeding say that? Our Juniper says nana can I count the money in your purse? I says yes sweetheart, you can. She says oh thanks nana. When the ice-cream van came round we couldn't find my purse anywhere. Wally says it's all right mam I'll get them, but he didn't have his wallet. Our Regina says it's all right mam, I'll get them, but she didn't have her purse. I says it's all right ducks, I'll get them, and went off to fetch the money from the buroo at the top of the stairs.

 

Monday April 28th
I went to the doctors to get a bottle for this cough. He says are you still smoking Mrs Poppycock? I says yes, no, doctor. He says well either you are or you aren't, Mrs Poppycock. I says well, when I'm smoking I am but when I'm not smoking I'm not. He says are you aware of the dangers to your health concerning tobacco? I says well, I read the packets doctor, I'm not stupid. And being honest, I says I've been smoking for thirty odd years so I'm not going to suddenly start coughing now, doctor. He says if I prescribe patches, will you make a concerted effort to stop? I says no respect doctor, but I'm not going about in rags for anybody, concert or no concert. He gave me a bottle of something that tastes like burnt butter so I won't be taking that shit. Our Regina came round. She says mam, Wally's got an interview Wednesday but he's got nothing to wear and we haven't got money for petrol. I says that's nice love. I'll take you's into Plumpton tomorrow and do right by him. If you can't see to your own when an interview comes up, well you never can. She says ah will you mam? I says yes sweetheart I will. She says ah thanks mam.

 

Wednesday April 30th
I 'phoned our Regina and I says well cock, how did he come on? Oh! She says mam, they told him he was the best contestant for the job and if they give it him he can have four pound twenty five an hour. I says ah, that's nice hen. She says and they told him mam, after three month, he can have fourteen pound fifty an hour. I says eh chuck, you'll be rolling in it.

 

Thursday May 1st
Our Regina 'phoned to say our Wally didn't get the job. I says that's a shame, sweetheart, they're just a bunch of arseholes they are. She says you're right mam. I says I know I am.

 

Thursday May 8th
I took our Regina to the W eye. Mrs Suchabody was giving a talk on cactuses, and I do like a nice cactus. We had coffee and biscuits, I says to our Regina, a slice of that cream cake with carrots in wouldn't have gone amiss here. She says yes mam you're right. At the end of her talk she asks for questions. I says well, being honest I wouldn't do with them plants what you've just done with them. She says and what would you have done? I says well I can show you better than tell you. She says would you like to step up here and give a recitation. I says oh no, not in front of company. Well, you don't do you? I says to our Regina, she's not picking my brains.

Tuesday May 13th
My friend Eulalli, asked me would I go to the thysiopherapist with her. I says yes love, I'll come. She called for me just after half past. I says what's t'matter that you have to go to see a thysiopherapist? Oh, she says I've got this shoulder and my doctor's arranged a consultation. So I'm sat there while she's consorting with the thysio and I says to myself, well, if he's any good, he can have a look at this cartridge in my knee, it's been killing me for weeks now. I says is he any good Eulalli? Oh, she says he's good, well, he's cured me. I says right then, I'll have a consortation.

 

Sunday May 18th
Our Regina and our Wally and our Juniper came round to dinner. Our Regina says mam, Wally's got his wellie-throwing practice this afternoon, do you want to come down the garden centre? I says that'll make a nice change, yes I'll come, cock. There were plants everywhere. I've never seen so many plants in one place. I says well, you know where to come if you want a plant. And they didn't only have plants, no! They had trees and shrubs and bushes and cactus; I do like a nice cactus. Our Regina says well, get yourself one mam. Oh, I says no hen, I couldn't. She says oh, alright then. And fish, they had tankfuls. I says to our Regina, you wouldn't expect to see fish in a garden centre. She says no mam, you wouldn't. I says I know you wouldn't. Our Juniper says nana, can I have an angelfish? I says of course you can, sweetheart. She says I want that one. And him in there, he says have you got a tank? I says yes I've got a tank but what that's got to do with angelfish I don't know. I says to our Regina, he's an arsehole he is, where does he think we get our hot water from? She says you're right mam, he is. I says I know I am. He wanted twenty-five pound for that fish. I says anybody would think it had come from the tropics. When we got home I found our Goldie's bowl in the under stair cupboard. We really enjoyed ourselves.

 

Monday May 19th
Our Regina 'phoned. She says mam, that angelfish is dead. I says well bleeding hell, our Goldie lived fifteen year in that bowl and he cost nothing from the fair, and twenty-five pound for that angelfish and it only lives one night, well, never again, being honest Regina, never again!

 

Saturday May 24th
Our Regina 'phoned. She says mam, the dole have told Wally he can go on a course at the Tech'. I says have they chuck, that's nice. She says yes mam, they have, only he'll need a computer. I says well we'll go and get him a computer then. She says oh, will you mam? I says yes sweetheart, I will. Our Wally says we'd best go into Blythington for a computer mam, so we caught the half past. I says we may as well have lunch. We had chip butties but, I says they're not as good as Codswallop's mind, being honest. We went to Compuworld or Compuland or some such and our Wally says I like that one mam. I says do you cock? He says yes mam, I do. I says well get it then if that's the one you like. It wasn't cheap mind, no! It was the best. Our Regina says but mam, the dole have told him after this course he can get a job for thirty thousand a year. I says well that's alright then chuck. It's called a Laptop. I says to our Wally, that's nice, you can sit with it on your knee and do your courses while you watch the telly, cock.

 

Thursday May 29th
Our Regina 'phoned. She says oh, mam, Wally hasn't half got a sore back. I says has he hen? She says yes mam, it's balancing that computer on his knee like you told him. I says well being honest cock, that's no good, you don't want that. She says I know mam, you're right. I says I know I am, chuck.

 

Friday May 30th
I 'phoned our Regina. I says how's our Wally's back? She says oh, mam, it's much better since he put a plank of wood across the chair arms to balance the computer on. I know it's not his lap but it's near enough to it. I says well that's nice then, hen.

 

Friday June 6th
I looked in on old Mrs Sweaton again. She didn't look well. I says what's t'matter cock? She says Poppy, I'm feeling that way I don't know what to do with myself, and it's making me that bad tempered. I says is it your Albee? She says well I suppose you could say that. I says is he back with his Maureen? Oh, no, she says. I wish that he were, no, by God! He's gone and got himself fixed up with some lass down Fenlam way and you know what sort they be, gadabouts. I says is she then? She says yes Poppy she is. They're off out now gadding about the countryside with never a thought to me and my bad legs. He never thinks I can't get about much without my frame. I says that's a shame Mrs Sweaton, you and your bad legs could have done with an outing in the countryside -- the walk would have done you good. She says yes Poppy, you're right. I says I know I am Mrs Sweaton. She says this one's called Moira and not only that, she's divorced as well. I says oh, you don't want that, Mrs Sweaton, you really don't, being honest. It would be better to have somebody whose husband's dead or somebody who's a widow than somebody who's divorced. She says yes Poppy, you're right. I says I know I'm right.

 

Saturday June 7th
Our Regina 'phoned. She says mam, Wally's divorce has come through. I says come through what? She says come through the post mam. I says oh, bleeding hell it's about bleeding time them eurocrats got off their arses and did something. She says yes mam, you're right. I says I know I am cock.

Saturday June 14th
Our Regina 'phoned. She says mam, you haven't forgotten the fĂȘte this afternoon? I says yes, no sweetheart I haven't forgotten. She says we'll pick you up at half past 'cause Wally's got to be there early for the wellie throwing. I says alright chuck, I'll be ready. Mind, we did enjoy ourselves. What with our Wally throwing the wellie and our Juniper joining the jeer leaders and our Regina and me teaing and peeing all afternoon. I says it's a good job there's a toilet tent and no mistake, 'cause being honest, it's a pity there was none of that cream cake with carrots in when we got to the cake stand. Our Regina says yes mam, it's a pity. I says them bleeding arseholes in the big hats will have eaten it all. She says yes mam, you're right. I says I know I am, chuck.

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