Added: 8 May 2005
[Fiction]

Extracts from Mrs Poppycock's Diary, Part II

 

Friday June 20th

Our Regina and me went to the pictures. We did enjoy ourselves. She says mam, I've really enjoyed myself. I says, have you chuck? She says, yes mam I have. Our Regina says, mam I'll buy the buttered kissed, and would you like a Key or a? I says, a key or a what hen? She says, drink mam. I says, I'll have the drink, and a big packet of them pickled onion crisps. And her in there, she kept turning round and saying, shushup. I says to our Regina, poor woman she must have a lisp. We saw that one about the ship that sank all them years ago. That lovely young couple with the blue diamond. I says to our Regina, fancy she's still alive today to tell the tale, it's a miracle. She says, yes mam it is. Mind, I thought some of it was a bit far-fetched, being honest. A block of ice tearing a bleeding great hole in a ship that size? I says to our Regina, what was he doing in the North Pole anyway, it's nowhere near New York. Bleeding arsehole.

Tuesday June 24th

Our Regina phoned. She says, mam, you've to come to tea on Sunday at Wally's mam's to meet his family. I says, oh, but just a minute chuck, that's my priority that is, she's got to come to me, I'm the bride's mother. She says, I know mam but we don't think we can fit them all in the car. I says, bleeding hell, how many of them are there? Well, she says, there's his sister, his brother and his mam, but mam she's ever such a big woman. I says, alright hen under them circuses I'll come.

Sunday June 29th

Our Regina phoned. She says, mam, we'll be picking you up at half past so mind you're ready. I says, yes chuck I'll be ready. Our Regina says, mam, this is Mrs. Whiff and this is my mam. Oh, she says, do call me Windy. And this is Grace and Favour. Well, I was looking for the cats but no, one's the sister and t'other one's the brother. She says, Grace is after my mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and great-great-grandmother and Favour is an old family name. I says, oh, I see. And mind being honest our Regina's right, her in there's a big woman. I've never seen so much fat except on Codswallop's counter on a Saturday night, they'll never get her in the car. I says, Windy, what colours will you be wearing on the wedding, 'cause I wouldn't like to backlash with you. She says, oh, don't worry you can have the pink and navy, as the bride's mother that's your priority, and do call me Windy. I thought, I bleeding did, and I wouldn't wear pink and navy if my life defended on it. She says, would you like some of that cream cake with carrots in? I says, yes Windy I would. She says, do help yourself. And it's Windy. I thought, bleeding hell, if she says that to me one more time. And after that I just ate my cake, mind I did enjoy it, and let our Regina do the talking.

On the way home our Regina says, by the way mam, Wally's mam's called Wendy. I says, bleeding hell, that's not what she told me, she said her name was Windy. She says, no mam, that's just her telephone voice, she always uses it when she meets somebody for the first time, you'll get used to her. I thought, arsehole, but I didn't say it 'cause I wouldn't hurt our Wally.

Monday June 30th

Our Regina phoned, mind she was sobbing. I says, what's t'matter chuck? She says, oh, mam, our Juniper's had a right telling off at school. I says, whaaat? She says, yes mam. They told her if she comes in wearing all that jewellery again she'll be suspendered. I says, don't you worry hen, we'll soon see about that.

Tuesday July 1st

I goes up to the school. I says, excuse me but I would like to see our Juniper's teacher. She says, and you are? I says, yes I am. She says, who will I say is calling? I says, Mrs. Poppycock, she'll know who I am. She says, I'm sorry we don't have anyone by that name here. I says, that's me and I want to see our Juniper's teacher. She says, and she is? I says, yes she is and that's what I'm here to tell her. She says, just take a seat Mrs. Poppycock I won't keep you a minute. A minute? I waited ten minutes, mind I did get bad tempered. And her in there she says, I'm sorry Mrs. Poppycock but the school has rules and one of them is that no jewellery is allowed to be worn. I says, that's not cheap you know, it's the best, I says, I wouldn't buy our Juniper rubbish, and being honest I says, who makes the rules anyway? She says, why, the school does. I says, and who makes the rules for you? She says, pardon. I says, yes, who makes the rules for you sitting there dressed up like a gold digger. I says, if you don't want anybody wearing jewellery then how come you've got so much on, 'cause being honest mind, she had. She says, that has absolutely nothing to do with it, rules are put in place for the children and they must learn to obey them, she says. I says, yes, that's right they must be learnt to obey, but by the same rule so should you, I says. She says, Mrs. Poppycock, if you insist on being negative I don't see any point in further discussion and I suggest you make an appointment to see the head teacher, good day to you, she says. So I'm sitting there, and I says, well that's bleeding good that is, she's accusing me of being black and white and telling me to appoint the head teacher, and she's the one wearing all the jewellery in the first place. Oh, I did get bad tempered.

Monday July 7th

I went to see the optimist. I says, mind my ducks are dry. He says, yes Mrs. Poppycock they are. I says, I know they are, I says. And when I'm watching telly I can't, 'cause it starts waving across the room at me. He says, so you have difficulty focussing? I says, yes, no being honest, I can cuss as good as the next bugger but I wouldn't, I never have in my life, no, well you don't do you? He says, I'll test your eyes. I says, test them for what? He says, for a stigmata. I says, oh. He says, I'll have to describe glasses for you Mrs. Poppycock because unfortunately, you have one of the worst stigma's I've ever seen. I says, oh. He says, would you like some of them relaxalites? I says, I don't want any of them bleeding jam jar bottoms you've just been testing with. He says, are you a NHS patient? I says, yes, I pay every time, always have, well you do don't you? He says, we'll give you a call when they're ready.

Our Regina phoned. She says, mam, I've seen this beautiful wedding dress in Brides R Us. I says, have you chuck, that's nice. She says, yes mam, I have. She says, will you come with me mam, to try it on. I says, of course I will hen, we'll go tomorrow. We'll catch the half past.

Tuesday July 8th

We caught the half past and I says, we might's well have our lunch. Our Regina says, oh, mam there's a new place opened we could try there. I says, alright hen, we'll try there. I says, what's it called then, this new place? She says, Spudoolikee's mam. I says, oh, I see. I says, and what kind of food do they have hen? She says, spuds mam. I says, oh, I see. Mind, being honest, it wasn't a patch on Codswallop's chip butties.

We went to Brides R Us. I says, to our Regina, if you're looking for a wedding dress this is the place to come chuck. She says, yes mam you're right. I says, I know I am hen. That's all they sell in there, row, after row, after row. I says, to our Regina, show me the one you like chuck. She says, it's this one mam. And mind it was. Oh, it was beautiful. I says, try it on then chuck. So she's standing in the mirror and I says oh, that's the one sweetheart, being honest mind, it really is. She says, do you really like it mam. I says, yes hen, I really, really do. Only, she says, we wanted to put down the deposit on our honeymoon this weekend. I says, don't talk daft hen, if you want that one you get that one. She says, ah, can I mam? I says, of course you can chuck.

Saturday July 12th

Me and our Regina and our Juniper caught the half past and went back to Brides R Us. She had to have a fitting and I says, we might's well see if we can find something for our Juniper while we're there. She says, yes mam you're right. So I'm sitting and our Regina's fitting and our Juniper's flitting. I says, what is it sweetheart? She says, nana, can I have the apple green, only my mam says I have to have the bockle green. I says, I'll speak to your mam hen. I says, Regina, our Juniper doesn't want the bockle green she wants the apple green and mind being honest it'll suit her better. She says, but mam, your friend Eulalli's Cynthia had apple green for her bridesmaids and I don't want them saying we've copied. I says oh. But you do want green? She says, yes mam, I do. And her in there she says, why don't you comprise and have the emerald green? And I think fuchsia for the bouquets. I says oh, so that's settled then? Our Regina says, yes mam, it is.

We went to Woolworth's to buy a new chip pan. I says to our Regina, I'll tell you what I've not seen for a long time, one of them Faberge eggs. She says, no mam, neither have I. Our Juniper says, nana can I have a Barbie doll? I says, of course you can sweetheart. She says, I want that one, Cinderella Barbie. I says, if that's the one you want that's the one you can have sweetheart.

Friday July 18th

Billy Belch the milkman called for the milk money. He says, Mrs. Poppycock that money you invested is due to mature, what do you want to do? I says, how do you mean Billy? He says, well you can re-invest it or you can take a lump sum. I says, oh, I'll take the lump sum Billy, especially now we have a wedding coming up. He says, all right then, I'll put a cheque in the post.

Sunday July 20th

Our Regina and our Wally and our Juniper came round to dinner. I says to our Wally, how's your computing son? Oh, mam he says, it's smashing I can type with one finger on both hands now, my teacher's really pleased with me. Only, she says if I could spell as good as I can type I would be top of the class. Ah, I says, that's nice cock. Our Regina says, oh mam, Trixie says she's seen some of them Faberge eggs on the knicker-knacker stall in the market. The one by Bible's, Book's and Bonking not the one next to the second-hand corset man. Oh, I says, we'll have to have a look the next time we're in then. I wouldn't mind a few more to add to my collective. Our Juniper says, nana, can I count the money in your purse? I says, of course you can sweetheart. When the ice-cream van came we couldn't find my purse anywhere. But I always keep money in the buroo at the top of the stairs so we still had our ice-creams. Mind we did enjoy them.

Tuesday July 22nd

That cheque arrived in the post this morning. Mind I did get bad tempered. I gave Billy Belch a thousand pounds to ingest and he says to me, you'll not be sorry Mrs. Poppycock, 'cause commodes are doing really well. And I wasn't, not till I got that cheque this morning. Five years he's had my money and he promised I'd get happy returns. It was for eight hundred and ninety six pounds, ninepence, and that's all. I says, bleeding hell I would've been better serviced by that nice young man down at the Building Society. I says never again mind, being honest, never again.

Thursday July 24th

My friend Eulalli phoned. She says, Poppy, would you like to come into town with me? I says, yes love I'll come with you. She says, I'll pick you up at half past. We went to Mrs. Fixit's for some shelves. I says, I want some shelving for the alcove in my bedroom. I picked up a nice piece of pine. I says, I need four shelves measuring a foot by a half. And her in there, she says, we have some very nice satin pine twelve by six inches. I says, I'm sure you have chuck but I want a foot by a half. Mind I did get bad tempered. She would argue with me. I says, well if you haven't got the right measurement there's no point in my buying. She says, they are both the same. I says excuse me, but since when did twelve by six inches become a foot by a half? She says, since ruler's were invented. I says to Eulalli, she's an arsehole and I'll never come back here again. She says, you're right Poppy she is. I says, I know I am.

Eulalli says, come on Poppy I'll treat you to a nice chip buttie and we'll eat them in the park. Mind being honest, they weren't a patch on Codswallop's. So we were sitting there and Eulalli says, that's a nice tree Poppy. I says, yes Eulalli, it is. I says, it's an apple blossom I've got one just like it in my back garden and mind, being honest, I've had that tree ten year and I've not had one apple off it, that's true that is. Eulalli says, that's funny 'cause I've got a cherry blossom tree and I've never had a cherry off mine either.

Saturday July 26th

Our Juniper phoned. Nana, she says. I says yes sweetheart. She says, nana will I have to change my name when mam and Wally get married? I says, well do you not like your name Juniper, I picked it out myself? She says, oh yes nana I like my name well enough, it's just that if mam's going to be called Whiff and I'm going to be called something else, well, my friend's might think it's a bit funny. I says, and what's funny about Poppycock? She says, oh nothing nana I just thought it might be better if we all had the same name. I says, I'm not changing my name to Whiff for any bugger. She says, no nana, not you, me. I says, oh. But mind, you'll not can change it back again, once a Whiff always a Whiff, 'till the day you get married. You'll not be a Poppycock anymore and that's saying something 'cause everybody in my family's been a Poppycock, always, even your mam. She says, alright nana, I'll stay a Poppycock then. I says, you'll not be sorry chuck, but you will if you turn into one of them Whiffs.

Friday August 1st

My friend Eulalli phoned. She says, Poppy, do you want to come to the Operatic's with me tomorrow night, they're playing the Mick ado. I says, Mick ado about what? She says, Mick ado about nothing. I says, that's one of that Shakespeare's books. She says, no Poppy it's one of that Gilbert 'O Sullivan's singing plays and it's just called The Mick ado. I says, oh I see. I says, yes I'll come we could do with a bit of horticulture.

Tuesday August 4th

Our Regina phoned. She says, mam, Wally's memory's used up. I says, eh! She says, his memory in the computer mam, it's all used up. I says, oh. What's to do then cock? She says, well mam, this man says he can upstage his memory or he can part exchange the computer for a newer version. I says, well he can part exchange it if he likes but he's not getting the memory, I paid hundreds for that. Oh no Regina, being honest, he can have my box but he's not having my memory as well.

Friday August 8th

I called over to see my old neighbour Mrs. Sweaton. I took her some of that cream cake with carrots in, mind she did enjoy it. Poppy, she says, I've never enjoyed a bit of cake as much since the Christmas of '42 when Mr. Sweaton, God rest his soul, fell in a crater and came home with the biggest Christmas cake I've ever seen. It was the Grand Palace Hotel in Swinburne Street, well it was before the doodly bug but afterwards it was just a crater. And my Albee, senior that was, fell in it and came up with the Christmas cake that the chef had just put the finishing touches to. He staggered home, it being a Friday night and on account of having fallen in the crater, and placed the cake on the scullery table. There you are lass, he says, that's my Christmas box, now what about yours? He had a way with words my Albee. I've never tasted the likes since, not 'till now that is. Well, I says, as long as you've enjoyed it Mrs. Sweaton. Oh, she says, I have I've really enjoyed it. I says, well that's alright then.

Sunday August 10th

Our Regina and our Wally and our Juniper came round to dinner. She says, mam, Wally's mam would like to know if you'll be coming to my hen party. I says, is Windy coming? She says, yes mam she is, and it's Wendy. I says, don't you start, and yes I'll most certainly be coming. She says, we thought we might start off at the Duck & Puddle and work our way along to the Grinder's Grist, they have a male stripper on every Friday night. I says, a whaaat? She says, yes mam a male stripper. I says, and whose idea is it to go see a male stripper? She says, well, it was Wally's mam's, mam. I says, I might've bleeding guessed. She says, ah, don't be like that mam, it'll be a laugh. I says, laugh, they might be laughing on t'other side of faces when he gets down to the Full Monte Carlo, I says. I says, I've seen that film and it leaves a lot to be desirable. Men giro-ing all over the place and women screaming, it's not right our Regina, being honest, but yes I'll come, I wouldn't let you down now would I? Our Juniper says nana, can I count the money in your purse. I says, yes sweetheart of course you can. She says, ah, thanks nana. I says, but mind when the ice cream man comes round it's your turn. We did all laugh.

Wednesday August 17th

I caught the half-past into Plumpton and went to the council offices. I says, I've come about this pole tax. And her in there, she says, if you've come to pay go to window one. If you've come to inquire go to window two. If you've come to complain go to window three, and if you don't want any of the above just sit by the window over there 'till it's your turn. I says, excuse me but if I can get a word in. She says, window one, two or three. Mind I did get bad tempered. So I'm sitting there and they're all getting serviced except me. I thought, I'm not sitting here much longer mind, when this nice young man says, excuse me but I think you must be next. So I goes to the window and I says, I want to know how come I live on the end, and my neighbour who lives in the middle doesn't pay what I'm paying. She says, how do you mean? I says, I mean your charging me fifteen hundred a year and your charging my neighbour twelve hundred a year, and I've only got one pole and that's for the washing line, same as every bugger else in the street. She says, if I can have some details. I tells her where I live and she starts tapping away at her finger board. She says, but Mrs. Poppycock you have a drive and a garage, whereas your neighbour only has a path. I says, yes but that doesn't give you the right to charge me more. She says, I think you'll find that it does, Mrs. Poppycock. I says, well you don't need to think I'm going to let sleeping dogs bark, not when there's a difference of five hundred between her and me, that's a lot of money that is, I says, oh, no, I'm not putting money into your pocket just 'cause I've got a garage. Bleeding arsehole.

Friday August 19th

Our Regina phoned. She says, mam, Wally's real poorly. I says, what's t'matter chuck? She says, he's all puffed up and sweating. I says, you'd best call the doctor hen, it sounds like swollen glans to me. She says, right mam I will.

Afternoon

Our Regina phoned. She says, Wally's got mumps mam. I says, bleeding hell, well it's a good job he's got them now cock, before you and him gets married 'cause being honest, they can cause haver in a married man.

Tuesday August 23rd

I caught the half past and went to the dentist. I says, Mr Plack my gums are bleeding awful. He says, open wide Mrs Poppycock. He says, it's a long time since your last visit. I says, I've had this pallet thirty odd year, there's been no reason to come and visit. He says, you should have regular checkups. I says, I do I get them every time I eat cucumber. He says, you've had your plate in so long it's caused a cute case of ginger-bite-us. I says, oh, what's to do then? He says, first of all we have to get rid of the reflection and then I'll do an impression of your mouth and get you fixed up with some new dentures. I says, oh, alright then. He says, take the tablets three times a day after meals. I says, I can't 'cause I'm not able to eat anything on account of my bleeding gums. He says, well just take one three times a day and come back when the bleeding has stopped.

Friday August 26th

I went to catch the half past into Blythington. So I'm stood there waiting and a blue uni deck comes along. I says, where's the yellow double decker. He says, oh, we're the opposition. I says one to Blythington. He says, do you want a return ticket. I says, no I want to get there first I'll worry about the return when I'm ready to come back. He says, are you taking the Michael. I says, no I'm taking the bus if you'll just give me my ticket. Bleeding arsehole.

Saturday September 3rd

Our Regina phoned. She says, mam do you want to come to Plumpton 'cause me and Wally want to do a bit of shopping. I says, yes cock I'll come. She says, we'll pick you up at half past. We went to the new hypermarket on the outspread and mind we did enjoy ourselves. Our Regina says, can we go to the lightening department mam. I says, yes chuck anywhere you want. She says, oh mam we need a new floor essence light for the kitchen and I've always wanted one of them candle bra's for the dining room. I says, well if that's what you want you get them hen. She says, ah thanks mam. Our Juniper says, nana can we go to the toy department. I says, yes sweetheart. She says, nana I'm getting a bit too big for my boots. I says, who told you that chuck, you tell me and I'll say who's getting too big for their boots. She says, no nana my roller boots they're hurting my toes. I says, oh I see. I says, well we'll get you a new pair then. She says, I'll have them one's nana. I says, if they're the one's you want they're the one's you can have sweetheart. And mind they weren't cheap no, they were the best. I says, we might's well have a look at them electric chip pans while we're here. So we're looking, and her in there she says, would you like to see the latest in slow cookers. I says, a slow cooker would be no good to me chuck, if I've been out all day I want something that cooks fast not slow. I says, I'll take one of them electric chip pans, that'll do me fine. We went to the checkpoint to pay and mind I did get bad tempered. Her in there she says, you can't use your Likelycard here. I says, excuse me but this Likelycard is accepted everywhere. She says, well I'm sorry but we have our own credit card and for that reason we can't accept anybody else's. I says, I don't want your credit, I believe in paying my way I always have done, I've never had credit in my life. She says, well that Likelycard's a credit card. I says, it is not, I pay on the dot every month when I get my invoice, I won't take credit for anything. She says, do you want me to call for a superior or can you pay for these goods with cash. I says, I can give you a cheque. She says, that will do nicely as long as it's supplanted by a cheque guarantee card. When we got back to the car I says, to our Regina and Wally, she's an arsehole she is. I still used my Likelycard, 'cause when she asked for the cheque guarantee card I just handed that over with the cheque. Our Regina says, oh mam I hope that doesn't mean you've paid twice. I says, oh bleeding hell I never thought of that. Well never mind I'll call in to the bank next Friday and stop the cheque, she'll not get the better of me, oh no being honest she'll not.

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