John Schoneboom would like to tell you his feet are beautiful, but he'd be lying; there's some weird thing on one of his toes that started out as a blister. He's seeing the doctor on Monday.
John reckons if you've got a friend who's gone missing and could potentially be dead, god forbid, and it's the fourth quarter of game four and the Lakers have cut the Celtics' lead to single digits, everyone should lay off trying to get him to talk about the friend. If they're dead, it's obviously a real tragedy, but they'll be just as dead after the game is finished.
These days he can often be seen gazing wistfully into the distance across from Sainsbury's, as if by squinting he could make any large green blob be the X21 up towards Cramlington.
The following features bear John's insidious imprint: