Mister Schoneboom once took the winning shot in a shuffleboard contest when he was only ten years old, at a summer vacation resort with his family as witnesses. His partner was a complete stranger. Until that last moment Schoneboom had been a real drag on the team's chances.
John recalls scratching his leg like mad all the way home from school one day, only to discover upon eventual trouser removal the shmeared remains of a whole cricket.
These days he can often be seen gazing wistfully into the distance across from Sainsbury's, as if by squinting he could make any large green blob be the X21 up towards Cramlington.
The following features bear John's insidious imprint: