Mister Schoneboom once took the winning shot in a shuffleboard contest when he was only ten years old, at a summer vacation resort with his family as witnesses. His partner was a complete stranger. Until that last moment Schoneboom had been a real drag on the team's chances.
Lately he's been whipping up a chocolate pudding almost every night. When he gets over that, it'll probably be cupcakes again. It's like, once he found out how easy it was to do it, it's actually harder not to.
John is fiercely loyal. His best friend from first grade was a guy called Mark James Ewert. John always called him by all three names. Mark James Ewert moved away at the end of that year and hasn't been heard from since. That's a lot of years. John still not only remembers Mark James Ewert and not only still calls him Mark James Ewert, he's ready to resume being best friends again any time. Mark James Ewert: if you're out there, please get in touch.
The following features bear John's insidious imprint: