Added: 29 April 2005
[Fiction] [Plays and Screenplays]

Doctor Schoneboom on the Campus

Persons represented:
Doctor Schoneboom: An exceedingly educated person.
John R. Schoneboom: A brilliant writer.
Maltravers: An undergraduate reading philosophy.
Lubeck: An undergraduate reading plant physiology.
Rowntree: A research student studying geomorphic rock structures.
David: A reluctant student.

Scene One: An Apartment in Sunnyside, New York. Early morning.

Doctor Schoneboom: Good Morning John.

John R Schoneboom: Good Morning Doctor Schoneboom


Scene Two: The Campus. The same morning.

Maltravers: Good morning Doctor Schoneboom.

Doctor Schoneboom: Good morning Maltravers. How is your thesis developing?

Maltravers: I'm finding the Greeks a bit tricky on philosophy, Doctor Schoneboom.

Doctor Schoneboom: Well said Maltravers. As Aristotle said," the least initial deviation from the truth is multiplied later a thousand times."

Maltravers: Thank you Doctor Schoneboom.

(Doctor Schoneboom walks over the lawn)

Doctor Schoneboom: Good morning Lubeck.

Lubeck: Good morning Doctor Schoneboom.

Doctor Schoneboom: How are the new Pteridophytes? Don't forget to check boron levels?

Lubeck: Thank you Doctor Schoneboom.

(Doctor Schoneboom walks toward the fraternity house)

Rowntree: Good morning Doctor Schoneboom.

Doctor Schoneboom: Good morning Rowntree, you look rather worried?

Rowntree: Yes Doctor Schoneboom, the latest results don't calibrate.

Doctor Schoneboom: Umm, I've met this before. Probably igneous intrusion. Ignore it.

Rowntree: Thank you Doctor Schoneboom.

(Doctor Schoneboom has been attracted by Irish music in the background)

David: Good afternoon Doctor Schoneboom

Doctor Schoneboom: Good afternoon David, Have you completed that assignment I gave you.

David: It will be handed in on Tuesday, Doctor Schoneboom.

Doctor Schoneboom: That's fine. Off you go then.

David: Thank you Doctor Schoneboom.


Scene Three. The Apartment in Sunnyside. Late at night.

John R Schoneboom : That was a swell day Doctor Schoneboom.

( lights fade to the sound of fading applause )


28 February 2008 17:34:26 brother dave

duh, uh , huh , wha? Ithink I'll play pinocle instead

8 May 2005 16:15:24 Albury Forsythe

Although accepting the existence of the 'Codex', I think you would agree that its foundation based on the original work of Fuller and Reeves was somewhat flawed and I applaud your timely decision to restore the original language and I do not believe that an apology to Flann O'Brien is warranted. Or to his sister Flynn O'Brien for that matter.

7 May 2005 15:39:25 john

Ah, well discovered! Yes, this of course reminds me of the De Selby Codex controversy, in which unverifiable claims to different versions of the famously long and wholly illegible manuscripts were made separately by Bassett, Henderson, and the incomparable Hatchjaw. Where Bassett divined 'a penetrating thesis on old age,' Henderson saw 'a not unbeautiful description of lambing operations on an unspecified farm.' Hatchjaw's ultimate incarceration was probably a result of the notorious 'Munich Letter' incident which was thought to be an attempt to use De Selby as a tool of international financial interests.

In any case, with apologies to Flann O'Brien, it appears that the dropping of certain words in various versions of the Baker manuscript may have been an attempt on the part of unscrupulous editors to avoid the appearance of self-aggrandizing unseemliness due to confusion resulting from any fictitious characters bearing a coincidental resemblance in the appellation department to members of the Bonkworld Board of Directors. Discretion may seem the better part of valor when one risks being drawn into Balkan conflicts, international money-laundering schemes, or other similarly distracting phrases of little apparent relevance. However, still and all, it may be best to restore the original language if this can be verified using the latest methods.

7 May 2005 14:41:04 Albury Forsythe

I came upon a copy of the final draft of this play while rummaging through the contents of a second hand bookstall in Hobart, Tasmania.

In this version,John R Schoneboom was represented as " a brilliant writer" whilst in your version he is simply listed as "a writer".

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