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Abby Schoneboom

January 4th: Horse Blanket Stolen
Officer Single arrested a woman named Abby Schoneboom yesterday on a charge of petty larceny. She is accused of stealing a horse blanket, the property of the J. G. Cohn Company, from Nelson's stable, and some potatoes, the property of some unknown person. Schoneboom, who is already known to the police as a flim-flam operator, seems to have fallen on hard times. She will answer for her crime before Judge Raish and will likely receive 90 days in the County Jail.

June 6th: Petty Larcenist Arrested Again
Abigail Schoneboom, a hobo recently released from the County Jail, stole a pair of trousers from Brown's store this morning and sold them at Abraham's for 75 cents. She spent the money for booze and was arrested by Officer Sayles but was later released on account of Judge Raish's opinion that she only stole the trousers in order to earn herself another 90 days of prison meals.

June 20th: Schoneboom Steals Whiskey--Caught With Goods
Notorious larcenist Abigail Schoneboom, recently spared by the leniency of Judge Raish, cannot seem to stay out of trouble. She wandered into the Palm saloon last night in a festive mood and hooked a bottle of Tippecanoe whiskey while the barkeep's back was turned. The barkeep turned around just in time to see Schoneboom beating it for the door, but although he gave chase, she made a getaway. Schoneboom, who is pockmarked and easily identifiable, was later found by Officer Aldrich in the darkest corner of the Gilt Edge saloon, lubricating her spark plug. She has been charged with drunkenness and theft, and will appear in court on Thursday.

June 23rd: Blanket Thief Poisoned
Abigail Schoneboom, the infamous whiskey and horse blanket thief, failed to appear in court today on account of belly sickness. Sheriff Voss received word from Sherriff Chubbuck of Oroville that Schoneboom had a day or so ago eaten some canned meat that stood for a day or two, and is sick with ptomaine poisoning. The hearing has been delayed until this time next month.

The following features bear Abby's insidious imprint:

  1. The Sausage and the City: At the heart of the existential novel...the sausage! Who knew?
  2. Andy Pop Stories: The story that's never the same story twice!
  3. SquishHead Butterfly: A violent yet peaceful video installation art masterpiece.
  4. Best Salesman in the World!: You don't buy this because it's cheap, you buy it because it's good!
  5. Project Skive: A dangerous new study of creative time-wasting and the English Worker
  6. Sock Puppet Theater Presents: Garbage: A tawdry melodrama featuring an abusive sock puppet relationship.
  7. The Amazing Dostoevsky Machine: Replace those complicated patronymics with easy to remember substitutes like "Wincy Bottoms"!
  8. Pool for Girls: Acquire the confidence to cheat and win.
  9. The Amazing Days Alive Calculator: New and improved! Find out exactly how many days you've been alive!
  10. The Bullet Train: Cars are sooooo twentieth century. Get hip to the new way to travel. Fast, fabulous, and cheap.
  11. World Trade Center Flash Animation: We actually made the newspapers and national television for this one...in Mexico!
  12. The Bonkworld Lecture Series: With a real podium and everything!
  13. Your Inner Pool Shark, Part II: The Perfect Rules: With this pamphlet in your back pocket and a willingness to hurl things and flee, you can face any opponent with a devious confidence.
  14. Dirty Prospecting: The heart-rending tale of one woman's elusive search for a marketable, filthy domain name that nobody else has grabbed yet. Caution: This one really is quite filthy.
  15. How Posh Is Posh Spice? A Guide for the Foreign Visitor: From the Bonkworld Lecture Series, the discerning observer's guide to such unerring class indicators as jaw tension and the Price-Commodity Reflex.
  16. Falling Short: The second in the Bonkworld series of performance billiard poetry sees John go down in five pathos-laden games to his arch rival.
  17. On Vacation Time: The Protestants have given us two things. We'll keep the condoms.
  18. On Bathroom Lighting: You may be ugly, but you're not that ugly.
  19. Busy Mr. Stupid: A very busy man does some very stupid things.
  20. The Comeback: The first installment of the Bonkworld performance billiard poetry series.
  21. Your Inner Pool Shark, Part I: The Mental Game: A pamphlet on the value of contempt, and important aesthetic considerations, such as smoking, drinking, and brawling.