Added: 21 June 1999
[Fiction]

Vampiro, or, The Limits of Dogs

"Bullshit."

"My father, my mother no believe me, they beat me, but it's true, I saw it. This was in Romania. I was twelve."

("He believes it, he tells this story all the time.")

"There's no vampires!"

"I am telling you. I was twelve years old. My dog, this was a big dog, up to here, strong. This dog could pull me along if he wanted to, I could not stop him. Big, strong dog. My dog. I say sit he sit. I say up he up. Right away. I say kill, you dead, right away. He protect me. This dog would do anything for me. I say come he come. Somebody come to hurt me, this dog aaaar, protect me."

"OK."

"So it is dark, very dark. No moon, even. There is noise, and suddenly the sheep are everywhere, they run everywhere. The dog is gone. He is take off."

"The dog takes off!?"

("See, they can sense things.")

"Sheep, dog, running away. Animals can sense it."

"Yeah but..."

"These sheep, these are a lot of sheep, this is a lot of money! My father, he beat me-- 'why you can't control the sheep?' and I tell him it is no my fault, but he take his belt to me. That was when I got home. Anyway the sheep are gone, dog is gone. I hear the noise and I take flashlight to see what it is. I shine on the ground and first I see his feet. Then my eyes go up, up, up..."

("He's got them cat's eyes.")

"... I see his eyes. I am telling you, I will never forget this sight as long as I live, his eyes. He has eyes of cat. You know cat's eyes, they glow, sometime you cannot see cat, only eyes. He has eyes of cat. I am telling you."

"Hm."

"So he is tall, he have this..."

("The long black coat...")

"...long black coat he is wearing..."

("...the big collar, bow tie.")

"I am tell the story! He has this big collar, and this little, it is a kind of tie, little one, this way..."

"A bow tie."

"No no, not this long tie, it is little, this way..."

"Yeah, bow tie. That's a bow tie."

"OK bow tie. And these goddam big teeth like this. And..."

"All right, all right, all right, now wait a second. What kind of dog is this, he takes off?"

"Shoom. He is gone. He run away. He no like this thing, he no like the vampiro. He can't take it."

"Sure he doesn't like it. Nobody's going to like the vampiro. But this is your dog! He doesn't stick it out, stay there with you? He doesn't care what happens to you?"

"He is gone."

("Animals can sense that shit.")

"Yeah but I thought you said he was such a good dog! What good is this dog?"

"He is scared, he run away."

"Yeah I know, but, oh never mind. OK, so what happens? The vampire attacks you?"

"He try to come for me, come for my neck. The vampiro want the blood, he suck the blood from you neck. Before you can run from here to end of pool table, vampiro can suck all you blood. He like children, he can overpower. He is strong, but not so strong. A man can fight him, give him trouble. But the children, they don't know, they never see him. I never see one before. He can take easy, and the children's blood is sweet. And he come for me, for my neck, but I shine on him the light. He don't like it. He hold up his hands, aaar aaaar, aaaar, he go back."

"A flashlight?"

("He don't like the light.")

"Yes. He no like the light. Even if moon is out, he no come, only dark, dark night."

"You shine a flashlight on him and he goes away?"

"Yes."

"Wow. OK."

"But I shine light away and he come back, and this time he is right on me. He is quick, vampiro, very quick. And his breath is on me, and his eyes, like cats and the teeth, he come close to me, and he want to take my blood. But I have on the, uhh, the ..."

("The crucifix.")

"...the crucifix, from my grandmother, lucky I have it on, he see it, he scare."

"That worked? He doesn't like the crucifix?"

("No, vampires can't take that.")

"No, he no like that. He scare."

"OK."

"So I shine on him again the light, and he back away aaaaaar, he back away. And I run."

"And..."

"I get home. Maybe he sick of me, he no chase, I get home. My father, he mad. Mad! 'Where the hell is the sheeps? Where the goddamn dog?' So I try to tell him, dad, vampiro, but he just getting more mad! And I am crying, to tell him the truth, but he take the belt to me. Ohhh, he beat me. Bad! Because the sheep come running around, he see them, the dog is gone, later come back, but he is mad, he don't believe me. But I tell my grandmother I say you know me, do I lie to you? Do I tell you lies? Do I run from the sheep? I tell you I saw vampiro. And my grandmother, she believe me, she know, she knows the vampiro. She show me a book, an old book, and she tell me: the vampiro no like light; he no like the..."

("Urine...")

"...the crucifix; he no like the urine; and to kill him, you need the, uhh, the wood, it is like this, long, wood..."

("Stake.")

"Stake."

"Yes, the wooden stake through his heart. This only kill him."

"OK now back up a sec: urine?"

"Vampiro cannot stand it."

("He don't like the smell.")

"So if the vampire comes after you, you just whip it out and piss on him and you're safe?"

"Yeh. He cannot stand it."

"Well that's a new one on me. So if you get really scared and wet yourself, you're fine."

"Yes. Anyway, my father, he goes out to get the sheep, find the dog, and he see him too."

"What? Your father saw the vampire?"

"He went outside and the vampiro was still around. My father, he get scared, he shit himself."

"He shit himself?"

"He come back, he apologize to me, you know, OK, I'm sorry, I see him too: look! And he show me his pants. And he is laughing, but he scare, too. He told me he thought it was ghost though."

"He thought it was a ghost?"

"Yeah, but that was no ghost! The ghost don't have them goddamn big teeth!"

("Yeah, that's the vampire story, I told you, he believes it. He tells that story the same way every time.")

"Obviously. I'm still disappointed in that dog though, I have to say. There's got to be a dog that will stick by you even with vampires."

Comments

10 February 2007 22:31:06 John

Glad you liked it! But remember, it's better to wet yourself if the vampiro comes to get you. Vampiro cannot stand that.

7 February 2007 01:00:37 Dirtt Bagg

H I L A R I O U S ! Holy Crap I shit my pants!
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