John Schoneboom

Mister Schoneboom once took the winning shot in a shuffleboard contest when he was only ten years old, at a summer vacation resort with his family as witnesses. His partner was a complete stranger. Until that last moment Schoneboom had been a real drag on the team's chances.

John reckons if you've got a friend who's gone missing and could potentially be dead, god forbid, and it's the fourth quarter of game four and the Lakers have cut the Celtics' lead to single digits, everyone should lay off trying to get him to talk about the friend. If they're dead, it's obviously a real tragedy, but they'll be just as dead after the game is finished.

These days he can often be seen gazing wistfully into the distance across from Sainsbury's, as if by squinting he could make any large green blob be the X21 up towards Cramlington.

The following features bear John's insidious imprint:

  1. Jimmy Bannon Quote Generator: Random words of wisdom from the myth himself.
  2. Death and the Modern Apple: A mysterious apple salesman plumbs the depths of a young couple's subconscious desires.
  3. Fontoon: The Short Film: Golly, it's like a novel come to life!
  4. Snoring and Laughing: Boys with a tape recorder and a snoring friend
  5. Spend the Federal Budget!: Go on a $1.26 trillion spending spree! Whoopee! The People are speaking!
  6. Jarmusch Got My Robot: I'm telling you, the guy's been stalking me.
  7. One-Page Play: The Beginning, Middle, and End of Rico: A tip of the hat to ol' Edward G. Robinson
  8. Hemingway's Toilet: The night Hemingway was my roommate
  9. Andy Pop Stories: The story that's never the same story twice!
  10. Prize Chumps: A 4-Minute Play: A couple of nut jobs solve the big case.
  11. Schoneboom Family Pinochle: It's new and improved!
  12. The Baudelaire 7000 Poetry Machine: Not all randomly generated poetry is created equal.
  13. The Last Caper: Don't do it: It's the golden rule of crime!
  14. The Brewery: Fighting children is a tricky business.
  15. The Duel: A five-minute 17th century gender ambiguity action farce
  16. The Eleventh: Every day is September 11 for Jack Pendleton
  17. Near Employment Experience: A man confronts the spectre of his own employment
  18. The Revolutionary and the Temp: Spontaneous? Combustible? A short play written in a short time.
  19. Sheep Suicide: When the sheep hits the wall. It happens.
  20. Geordie Mike and the X-Ray Eye: Wherever you gan you're sure to find a Geordie...
  21. The Dream of Stickyman: He's a superhero; he's just not very strong. A sticky excerpt from the novel "Fontoon."
  22. Sock Puppet Theater Presents: Garbage: A tawdry melodrama featuring an abusive sock puppet relationship.
  23. Spiderman Meets Bonkworld: Spiderman lives in our neighborhood, and we reckon that makes us pretty cool.
  24. John's World of Freethrows: A great new game with enormous time-wasting potential. Come on. Enter my world.
  25. Insult People in Cantonese: Learn to speak like an evil kung fu master!
  26. The Bad Stick: Can a pool cue be evil? Yes. Naughty, evil pool cue.
  27. Angst Among the Whores: One fine night in Nairobi...
  28. The Amazing Days Alive Calculator: New and improved! Find out exactly how many days you've been alive!
  29. World Trade Center Flash Animation: We actually made the newspapers and national television for this one...in Mexico!
  30. Total Eclipse of the Sun: I was there! I was there! I was there!
  31. The Amazing Space Machine: I'm telling you, these Big Boy's Space Facts are going to blow your mind.
  32. The Bonkworld Lecture Series: With a real podium and everything!
  33. Your Inner Pool Shark, Part II: The Perfect Rules: With this pamphlet in your back pocket and a willingness to hurl things and flee, you can face any opponent with a devious confidence.
  34. Meat Gizmo's Babe Tenderizer: The Game: Test your skills with this Flash-based game, and watch out for the Offensive Zone!
  35. Apopalypse Now: Bitter war story from an unpopped balloon.
  36. Dreams of Jimmy Bannon: Jimmy Bannon is back, and this time he's a character in a one-act play. Winner of the Massachusetts Cultural Council 2001 Fellowship Award for playwriting (yes, really).
  37. Man in Perspective: From the Bonkworld Lecture Series, a quasi-earnest bit of musing on time, space, and bipedalism. Includes the Early Man Quiz!
  38. Battle for the Moral Highground: Pool Customs Around the World: Yet another foray into the seamy world of bars and billiards, this time comparing international senses of honor in the United States, England, and Botswana.
  39. Falling Short: The second in the Bonkworld series of performance billiard poetry sees John go down in five pathos-laden games to his arch rival.
  40. A Man of Forty: "Not bad...almost as good as new!"
  41. Why We Lost: An all-purpose explanation that can be adapted for use wherever excuses are called for.
  42. Count Dracula's Journal: Finally, Dracula gets to tell his side.
  43. The Incomprehensible Sportswriting of Jimmy Bannon: Breslin, Mailer, and their ilk couldn't carry this man's Olivetti. If you can figure out what he's on about, call the office.
  44. Busy Mr. Stupid: A very busy man does some very stupid things.
  45. Fontoon: An early excerpt from the novel, featuring Admiral Fontoon and his continuing quest to get out of bed.
  46. The Comeback: The first installment of the Bonkworld performance billiard poetry series.
  47. Vampiro, or, The Limits of Dogs: He was Romanian. He was drunk. He told this story.
  48. Your Inner Pool Shark, Part I: The Mental Game: A pamphlet on the value of contempt, and important aesthetic considerations, such as smoking, drinking, and brawling.